Adversity

A catalyst for physical and emotional healing
by Gia Pyrlis

I am a practising counsellor, educator and body worker, with a passion for supporting those diagnosed with cancer in their journey towards continued health and wellbeing. My interest in this area began twenty-two years ago when at the age of thirty-three, while also being a mother of two young children, I was diagnosed with stage 2 aggressive breast cancer. My prognosis was uncertain. Therefore, the 9 month, 2, 5 and 10 yearly check-ups proved milestones to be savoured on my journey towards a ‘cure’. I committed myself to a path of lifelong learning, maintaining my awareness of what is necessary for a long, positive and healthy life. I studied massage and energy work, counselling, nutritional and environmental medicine, and have implemented this knowledge in my consults with clients.

 In this article I give you, the reader — insight — by merging knowledge and experience of the counsellor-therapist with that of the patient who has experienced an adversity such as cancer. Above all I tell the story of cancer as the catalyst for developing a strong sense of self.  I point out the effects of this disease on loved ones and explore the impact of culture in one’s journey with cancer. My intention in this work and passion is to increase awareness and educate others, so as to shift perceptions of cancer and other life changing experiences, as well as how one can deal with these situations in holistic and effective ways.

Diagnosis: (A sudden and explosive realisation and my self discovery)

Was it a bad dream, a nightmare? If I clicked my fingers could I make it disappear? Unfortunately, not! It was 12^th September 1996 — 4:00 pm — a dark and wet Thursday afternoon — one that I would always remember. This was the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And it proved to be a day not only of endings; it was also a day of new beginnings. It was a day when the old Gia disappeared and the new ‘me’ was born. If I was to describe who I was pre-cancer – it is very clear. Figuratively speaking, I felt my mind and spirit were quite disconnected from my body. I was a young mum of two boys aged four and nine. I was constantly on the go; a woman who gave too much to others and neglected herself in the process. As a committed teacher, I strived to do my best by my students. Being of bicultural and bilingual background, I also tried to meet the expectations of family and wider community in how I lived my life. In direct conflict with how I wanted to live my life, these family and cultural expectations caused me deep inner turmoil. I felt spiritually empty, and emotionally bankrupt. The disconnection to my mind, body and spirit prior to the diagnosis was for me a very strong block to my inner voice; the voice mentored and nurtured by our intuitive self.

The moment I heard the specialist utter the words, ‘It’s malignant Gia,’ I shut my eyes and literally saw my life flash before me. In that instant, I realised that for the last 33 years I had not lived the life I had wanted to live. Instead, I had lived my life meeting the expectations of others, without acknowledging that there is more to living healthily; and that is to address one’s own needs, whether it is loves, passions, hurts, or feelings.

Before that memorable day, I remember often thinking that my desire to experience something, or live someway, did not enter the equation. I would find consolation by telling myself that ‘I will do this in my other life!’ When I was diagnosed all that changed, and I was reborn into that other life of mine almost immediately.

I remember looking up at the doctor and the first words that came out of my mouth were ‘How long have I got?’ Fortunately, he replied ‘I don’t know’. I say fortunately, because I believe that giving a patient a particular time, especially a patient with a sensitive pre-disposition, or a tenuous sense of self, can be detrimental. In those few moments, I made a silent commitment to myself to live authentically and start living the life I was truly born to live.

This decision, however, did not come without all the waves and cycles of grief. With any loss comes the acknowledgement and the release of an array of feelings including fear, sadness, guilt, denial, anger, despair and depression.

Lying on a hospital bed – prior to the operation – I was surrounded by doctors explaining the therapies they were suggesting I undertake for five years: mastectomy, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and tamoxifen.

I could see their mouths moving, however, I could not hear what they were saying. This phenomenon is a common occurrence with patients experiencing cancer. It is a reason why I recommend a support person be with them, so they have someone to ‘hear’ what the practitioners are saying.

As I lay there silently, I heard my inner voice. It felt as if it were something separate from me, but of me. Looking straight at me, it confronted me with an unwavering essence. ‘Let them do whatever they like,’ it said, ‘what are you going to do about your life?’

It was in that moment I intuitively realised that getting through this ordeal would require more than what the doctors were prescribing. I had to address my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs. I decided I would do that in a holistic way complementing the doctors’ interventions.

I instinctively knew that if I did that, I had a greater chance of survival. I took the steering wheel of my life into my two hands.

The need to address unresolved issues

My experience and therapeutic views have been supported by the conclusions of Petrea King, particularly in her 2004 book, Your Life Matters.

She comments on how challenged she felt when diagnosed with cancer after her healthy practices. At the time she was a practising naturopath, and a yoga and meditation teacher who ostensibly lived a healthy lifestyle. Yet twenty-five years ago, she was diagnosed with leukaemia. The missing factor she claims was that she had unresolved emotional and psychological issues and stresses she had not addressed. When dealing with cancer and any illness this is a very important area to address.

In her work she refers to the 4 Cs to overcoming illness and to living a full and healthy life. These are:

Control: take control of your life; relinquish the idea of allowing another or others to tell you what is best for you – only you know what is best for you.

Commitment: commit to living; believe and make a pledge with yourself that you will live a long and fulfilling life. Put goals in place whether they are to exercise, apply healthy eating habits, implement self-care principles, or fulfil your dreams.

Connection: connect daily in your life. Isolation sometimes has a negative effect on one’s health, so connecting and creating a network of people who will help you in a sensitive and constructive way to come back to health is essential. These people may be loved ones, friends, colleagues and health practitioners such as counsellors, naturopaths, yoga instructors, nutritionists, GPs, massage therapists, etc. Additionally, eliminate toxic connections with others.

Creativity: address your passion in life whatever it maybe for you.

4 Cs case study

Some time ago I was counselling a woman approximately 45 years of age. She was depressed and very dissatisfied with her career. Her relationship with her long-term partner was not going well and they were on the verge of ending it.

She had one counselling session with me after which I didn’t see her for about a year until she came back for a massage. On her return, she had a great smile on her face and looked very light and happy. ‘What’s been happening with your life?’, I asked her, ‘You look so wonderful and content?’

She said ‘You wouldn’t guess what happened to me after the last session with you. I decided to take up something I have always wanted to do and that was to work with animals. I went to the local animal shelter and asked if I could volunteer my time to look after the animals in need. I did that for one day a week. The team there saw my commitment and my passion and offered me formal training and eventually a job. And I have started working there. Oh Gia’ she continued ‘I am in bliss. And best of all, this change has also healed my relationship with my partner because I now am happy with myself.’ I simply smiled and encouraged her to continue to be true to herself, because that is where true health lies.

The significance of the 4 Cs — control, commitment, connection and creativity— is that they are a recipe for health for all.

Affirmative language and thinking

The power of suggestion and the power of the mind are strong, effective tools for good health and life in general.

Thirteen years ago, at the height of my adversity, I attended an eight-day retreat with Stephen Taylor at Tayen Park, in Clare, South Australia. This retreat opened my eyes to new ways of being. It was at this retreat that I learnt the significance and power of language and affirmative thinking as well as the power of meditation and visualisation. Since then, I have studied and applied affirmative language and thinking. Why? Because ultimately each of us has the power of choice.

Creative visualisation and shifting dark moments

Prior to attending this retreat, due to my immense fear of dying, I would see sad, disturbing images whenever I shut my eyes to sleep. These recurring images were of me being lowered in a coffin and my loved ones watching on — their faces etched in deep despair. At the retreat it was clear to me that with this image, I was co-creator of a fatal future for myself. I quickly learnt to replace this image with a positive one. My image of choice was me, centre-stage, dressed in an absolutely stunning long black dress singing to 700 people (Singing and acting are passions of mine that I have indulged in post cancer). I consistently visualised this image every morning and every night. Whilst it may seem unreal to some, within the year I was standing on just such a stage in a beautiful long black dress singing to a large crowd of more than 500 people at a Greek concert in the Arts Theatre on Angas. Visualisation was and continues to be my buddy.

Bless my attitude

Many people ask me what I think helped me survive breast cancer. For me the most significant shift was that I stepped outside the square and began to live life looking from the outside in. I began to question who I was, what my purpose in life was, what I wanted from life and where I was heading. And now at 56 I am more content; however, I am still open to learning. Every now and then when I feel I have lost my way (because this can happen), I still ask myself these same questions. The answers I come up with draw me toward new, life-long, healing strategies which centre me.

During the period of medical intervention, the oncologist gave me statistics of how I would have a 50 per cent chance of losing my hair and would more than likely go into early menopause. He handed me two wig pamphlets which I returned immediately, informing him that I would neither lose my hair nor go into early menopause. He smiled, praised me for remaining positive, however, reminded me that they were the facts.

During my six months of chemotherapy I once again applied visualisation techniques. Although I lost some hair, the loss was barely discernible. And as for menopause, there was not even a hint of evidence of that having occurred. He explained these things away inexplicably by suggesting that I was a ‘phenomenon’. My response was ‘No. It was the power of the mind,’ and I offered to teach him how to harness the power of the mind.

Additional tools

In continuing my journey to health and wellbeing following cancer, I attended many workshops where I learnt how to eat a healthy, nutritious and healing diet; about the power of prayer and contemplation time, and how to meditate to quieten my mind (because my mind can get very busy at times). Finally, I attended counselling sessions where I explored my feelings and learnt tools to support myself emotionally during this dark time; tools such as meditation, journal writing, inner child work, relaxation techniques, visualisation, reiki, and therapeutic touch therapy. And I had a fortnightly massage. I still apply these tools in my life today.

Formal study

Every situation of adversity is an opportunity.

I received positive benefits from both counselling and massage and went on to formally study these professions because of their inherent value to the healing process. These pursuits were also as a means to foster ongoing learning about myself by ‘walking my talk’. I now offer these gifts to benefit others as part of my business, Integrative Mind Body Therapies.

Support during cancer was such a welcome gift

Family and friends are vitally important.

At the time of the diagnosis, I was a young mum. My youngest son Nick was five years old and my eldest son Yani was nine.

I spent a lot of time explaining to my boys what was going on and keeping positive at the same time. I accepted a lot of help from my family members because I knew I needed the time and space to focus on my health and wellbeing.

Culturally, any illness is daunting, let alone cancer which 22 years ago – when I was diagnosed – was almost dismissed or denied. Thankfully now, it is no longer a taboo, with many support services available to assist cancer patients and their loved ones. Mindful of that and wanting to keep my family and friends emotionally safe, I chose for a while at least to protect them from my grief. My parents and some family members found it a challenge to help me explore the myriad of emotions that I was feeling at the time; maybe because in the Greek culture it just isn’t done and perhaps because they were ill-equipped to deal with this (just like I was at first). In contemporary society, ‘cancer’ is almost a forbidden word. There tends also to be a superstitious connotation to this disease – the less it is talked about the better. So, I chose to keep this status quo in my family and placated the situation. I chose to wear protective emotional armour and keep everyone around me happy – an old habit of mine. This can sometimes happen with cancer patients.

However, as my journey progressed, I became a motivating force for my mum and dad, my immediate family and my sister’s family. I would share with them knowledge I gained along the way – I still do. I would smile and smile and smile and while I drove in my car which I often did to escape, I cried and cried and cried. I cried buckets of tears and now when the subject of tears comes up with clients or people in general, I say, ‘Go for it. It’s extremely healing. I have cried enough tears to fill the oceans of the sea. It’s good. I know.’

About a year or two after the diagnosis I was sitting with my dad when I just broke down.

‘Dad I’m scared’ I said, ‘I cannot hide it anymore.’

‘Stop’ he replied, ‘It’s gone and it’s over. Put the experience behind you and look forward. That is where you are heading — Never give up.’

Finally, I had broken through the protective emotional armour and allowed myself to expose my vulnerability. I began to openly witness and experience emotions such as anger, sadness, fear and guilt (for surviving cancer). My true emotional healing had begun. Initially, I was upset by what I saw as denial on my father’s part. Over time I have reflected on his response and my grief and have come to the realisation that they were in fact affirming words.

Reaching out for counselling

Reaching out for counselling is valuable and therapeutic. Following my cancer diagnosis, I spent approximately the first five years in counselling, just sharing my thoughts and feelings – just talking. I wanted to get ‘it’ all out – the emotions I had suppressed for so many years. I thank the counsellors that provided me the space in which to do just that. They were my listening guides — this was so important. I knew when I was ‘ready’ to move forward and to change limiting behaviours. I would seek appropriate help to do this.  Whilst I have seen the result and benefit of counselling both for myself and in my clients, I also believe it is very healthy to give your mind a rest from grief, stepping into life and enjoying what it brings. Each individual is different, and they return to the exploration of current or past feelings and thoughts when the time is right for them.

Catalyst for change

When a woman experiences breast cancer, she often finds that it acts as a catalyst for change in her life.

A couple of years following my diagnosis, I decided to leave my marriage. The relationship between my husband and I had been strained for some time. Following my diagnosis, things failed to improve. For my own life, I felt leaving him was a choice I had to make. In other cases, the partner may leave the relationship because they are unable to cope with the grief or notion of death.

Honest communication with my boys

When the separation took place, I sat with the boys — who were seven and eleven years of age at the time — and I shared with them reasons for the separation. After I had spoken to them for a while, my youngest son Nick said ‘Mum, you’ve got new eyes.’ I asked him what he meant. He said, ‘You see things differently, you do things differently and you say things differently now.’ How true that was. Hence the changes.

Communicating effectively with my children right from the start was extremely beneficial for our relationship and for their understanding of the situation.

The following is an example of my son as a teenager being very honest and open at a very sensitive moment of his life.  He came home from high school one day and expressed that the mother of his close friend had died from breast cancer that day and his friend had been very sad and quiet. Nick said to me ‘Mum, I didn’t know what to do or what to say. I just sat next to him in silence.’ I replied, ‘That must have been hard for you Nick. However, it was the best thing you could have done. That is all he probably needed.’ He went on to say, ‘You know mum, if you had died when I was five, it would have been hard, but I would have got used to it. If it had happened now, I would be very sad because you have become my best friend and I would miss you heaps. So, I feel sorry for my friend. He must be very sad.’ And we both hugged and had a cry. This was part of our grieving journey too, because grief is progressive, and it runs in cycles and becomes less painful as years go by.

During my journey with cancer I was very aware of my children’s feelings. I was constantly picking up on their emotions which manifested themselves as unsettledness, clinginess, anger, and sometimes fear. Gently, I would work with them to help them navigate through those feelings.

Nick, my youngest, had not felt or experienced the fear that Yani had. The following is an example of Nick’s understanding of the cancer experience. One evening I was bathing both Nick and Yani. Yani started a conversation on the cancer topic. He described how some people survive the disease and others die. Nick’s response to Yani’s conversation was, ‘So mummy did you die?’ I laughed, I couldn’t help it. I replied, ‘Oh sweetheart, if I had died, I wouldn’t be sitting here helping you wash.’ He just looked at me and went on to play with the toys in the water.

I wrote poetry to express my grief. The following is a poem I wrote for my son Yani when he was nine. Unlike Nick, he was at an age where he understood the severity of the disease; he felt challenged by the sight of his mummy going through cancer and experienced real fear. Because of my concern for Yani’s wellbeing, I observed his experiences and walked closely by him during this time. I transposed my thoughts into a poem.

Your Bright Eyes My Son

Your bright eyes my son

They tell me the world and open new loves

Those bright eyes my son, they teared

When mummy hurt and each tear you cried

Pierced my aching heart, but gave me strength

To move the earth

At times I hugged you and held you so tight, at times lost you as if in the night

Your bright eyes my son

They tell me the world, those tears my son they tore me away

Mummy lying there in the arms of the men in white coats

Frightened your bright eyes I know my son

Mummy crying alone in the dark, in a room with four walls, in a room all alone

All she could see in the depths of that darkness were

Your bright eyes my son, those bright eyes my son

I saw a glimpse of you today, of hope and courage

Of strength and humour

I felt your eyes meet mine

I tasted the love you have for me with just a glance you gave me

Your bright eyes my son, those bright eyes my son

Those bright eyes my son, yes those bright eyes my son

(December 1996)

My children’s reactions were gold for me

For 19 months I worked on myself psychologically to love myself with just one breast. Unfortunately, my self- esteem was so low and having lost a part of my body added to this. Every morning I would see myself in the mirror and feel that I was not good enough. I kept trying to love myself just the way I was.  Then one day I was having a hot Epsom salt bath and my little Nick came into the bathroom and saw me; behind him followed Yani. Looking at me he said ‘Mummy, when are you going to get a boob? You were born with two, you deserve two. I don’t like it like that.’ Yani who chose to placate, interjected, ‘Don’t be so cruel. Mum looks beautiful just the way she is.’

The next day I followed up plastic surgery and within a month I began the journey of breast reconstruction. I have never looked back. I have always favoured symmetry, and having the reconstruction meant I felt physically balanced again; I could wear all sorts of clothing including strappy dresses, tops and bikinis without being concerned with prostheses and bras. I have always believed that children are the treasure of truth and innocence and my Nick’s observations were a reflection of my needs. I thank him for his honesty. It moved mountains for me.

I channelled my experience with cancer to help others

In my experience, those attending support groups and counselling after diagnosis have a better prognosis.

Two years after the diagnosis, I decided to develop a support group for those experiencing cancer in the Greek community. Having attended Anglo-Australian support groups I felt there was a lack of cultural understanding. My areas of concern, my particular needs, and the issues I needed to discuss as a first-generation Greek Australian were not clearly understood.

These issues included:  Family, partners, female and male roles, expectations of women, sexuality and other cultural issues.

The Greek support group (IRINI – Peace) was a very successful group. I was fortunate to witness many successful stories from that group and the members still approach me seeking to resume it.

Counselling is also a very helpful tool and sometimes critical for family members experiencing loved ones with cancer.

Caring for the carers

Now as a practising counsellor, I also consult loved ones who are caring for a member of their family who is experiencing cancer. I often hear about the needs of the family and loved ones at the time.

Many say ‘I feel helpless Gia. I don’t know what to do.’ Others feel that this experience brings up a fear of their own mortality. Most experience intense feelings of grief such as anger, sadness, despair, depression, isolation, helplessness and hopelessness. Others feel guilty for a range of reasons including that they are not doing enough or simply for surviving.  In some cases, carers who have spent so much time caring for a loved one can feel a strong sense of guilt for feeling relieved when the sufferer has passed.

Being there for someone on a cancer journey is so powerful. By being there I mean just sitting with them and listening and letting them grieve the way they want to grieve — not the way we think they should grieve. Of course, that takes a very strong heart. Unconditional witnessing is mostly what is needed. There have been times I have shed tears with my clients because their pain was too much. What a wonderful opportunity for the client to feel safe, supported and understood at such a time.

Caring for those who have experienced cancer

As carers or loved ones of a person experiencing adversity, it is important to be sensitive to their needs. Some of the following suggestions may be helpful.

• Help out with the children, make a meal, go shopping for them, take them out and entertain them (if they want of course).
• Let them suggest what they would like. This is important for their own healing, so they feel they have control of their lives. Sometimes illnesses such as cancer leave one feeling vulnerable and having lost control. Allowing them to feel that they have control over their lives is important for their healing.
• Too much help can be seen as rescuing and can be very disempowering and very tiring for both the carer and the person in need.

I had a client of Greek background who was attending counselling and she was quite ill from the chemotherapy. She was an intelligent and dynamic lady. She also was a widow and lived alone. She had lost her husband to cancer two years prior to her diagnosis. She had family; however, she also enjoyed her own space and would tell me how she was tired of visitors.  I suggested she might want to put a message on her phone to explain she is resting. She informed me they turned up without calling. Then I suggested she may want to put a sign on the door and not open or get her family to speak to the visitors that come often, so she could rest. I think that worked somewhat. By educating themselves about the disease, those caring for their loved ones can become more informed, for the benefit of all involved. Self-care for those experiencing a life-threatening illness or adversity is essential. This is also very important for those caring for their loved ones.

Survivor’s Guilt

Five years after I was diagnosed, my mother was attending the local Greek Orthodox church for mass. A parishioner she knew engaged her in conversation. Her daughter had just passed from breast cancer, so my mother offered her condolences. ‘How do you think I feel?’ she responded, ‘My daughter is dead – yours is still alive.’ My mother returned home from church and told me what her fellow church goer had said. I sat motionless and felt a blow of grief startle me from within. That’s when I discovered survivors’ guilt. Survivor’s guilt after a cancer diagnosis can arise through feeling that you have fared better than others in similar circumstances. A feeling of ‘Why didn’t I die, yet others are alive?’. This feeling of guilt can be triggered at anytime in a cancer patient who has survived post two years of cancer. To help me overcome survivors’ guilt, I transposed my work into helping others as a therapist – and continue to do so. In this way I feel that the challenges I faced had meaning, and continue to have meaning, by giving back.

Moving forward

‘I intend to live to 100, and I am open to the ride,’ says Gia with a smile. ‘I will walk through life with a bag of life tools I have acquired. And the sun will be beaming above, as it does for all us beings. And when the clouds choose to float by – some dark and laden with water drops, some light and fluffy – I will face them and move through them and feel them courageously, having the affirming notion once heard from the Dalai Lama in my heart and mind,

Never give up … and this too will pass.’

Love and blessings to you all,

Gia Pyrlis

E: gia@mindbodytherapies.com.au

Acknowledgment

My sincere thanks to my dear son Yani Giannakodakis for his efforts in editing and compiling this article.

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